You

It’s been almost four months since we last talked. It’s been almost four months since that phone call. It’s been almost four months since that last I love you and first goodbye. Almost four months, but you’re not completely gone. It might be almost four months since we’ve talked but not since I’ve heard your voice, your words and your threats. Sometimes people don’t understand how much I’ve put into them because of what you put me through. When I wear clothes you didn’t “approve” of I hear your voice in my head, going on and on about how i should be completely covered. When I started talking to guys again, I heard your voice repeatly tell me over and over again how I was proving you right, that I would fall for one of them. When I went to prom I felt that stupid line in my heart, it was okay for you to go with a girl you flirted with but was observe I go with a best friend of mine. I hear the constant “you’ll leave, you’ll cheat or you’ll just stop loving me” and parts of me wish I would’ve, not cheated but the others. I wish I would’ve left when it started, I wish I would’ve stopped loving you after you cheated on me but I didn’t, I stayed and I forgave because I told myself I gave up to easily, that I had to prove to you not all girl were bad. I know you knew I wasn’t, you knew I was different and I know that’s why you stayed so long. I know you knew you were hurting me, and that makes it worse. You knew and you continued. You’d cry while I was in tears because of the words you’d say, you’d cry if you thought I was going to leave because I was being quieter than normal. You knew what you were doing to me and I let you do it. You did it up until the moment we said goodbye. I hate to talk badly about you, I still defend you even after this, as you can see. You did wrong, and yet I don’t want to see you hurt because of it. I know one day you’re going to find a woman who changes you, who you feel this drop dead feeling in your heart that you need to do the best for her and I hope you do, I hope you’re a man for that woman. I hope you get a forever after and achieve your goals. And people ask me why I hope these things for you, why I don’t scream at the top of my lungs that I hate you or why I don’t do horrible things to make you hurt like me. I don’t do that because simply at one point we were in love, we were happy and I know if you ever read this you’ll know when I’m talking about, you’ll know the nights I write about, you know them. Maybe that’s who you still are but you got scared because I didn’t do wrong and you did, maybe because for once you weren’t right. And if you’re reading this I want you to know I forgive you. I don’t love you anymore though so please don’t track the mud back into the home we made. You lost that opportunity, you lost the chance of a life with me and I’m sorry for that. We know how much we meant to each other and how easy it is for us to fall again for each other. If soulmates are real I know you were mine but I’d rather live this life without you because I wasn’t alive when I was with you.

~our always is over, and I’m happy

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