without you, without me

“and it’s like he changed my smile so much, no one told me they loved my smile until after he started making me smile.”

   This blog is extremely hard for me to write. I’ve already restarted several times. I just keep typing words but nothing I’m saying seems to come out the way I mean. This is about the love I’ve had and the love I’ve given.

I try my best to love like I’ve never been hurt, up until this point I was successful. I wouldn’t let the fact my heart had been broken have the fate of someone I’ve found myself starting to like. As long as the person would let me talk to them about it then they could have my complete heart, my love, my soul, my honesty and my trust. We convince ourselves that this is the one, but we never really know do we.

Without you, at first, life was hard. I was shattered completely because I told you I didn’t want to start a relationship that wouldn’t last, but you were smart enough to trick me. I know you loved me a first, you couldn’t hide it because I saw it in your eyes. God I’ve never loved eyes so much before I looked into yours and saw you looking at me like I was something you couldn’t believe you had, like I was the world, I saw the love you had for me and I reflected it. I showed you the love you gave me. I continued to do so even after you stopped treating me right.

Without you now things are better because I can breathe, I can do things without worrying if you’ll get mad with me. But without you it’s still hard because you’ve changed me. I thought you were an angel and you were at one point, but you’re not anymore. You’re the monster in the closet, you could probably make the devil himself proud. You changed the way I look at people, the way I look at myself. I don’t know if I could ever be the same now.

So without you I’m alive, I’m found, I’m happy and I’m okay. But what about you… you without me?

Without me you no longer have someone to take the stress out on or blame. I’m no longer the reason for the things I wasn’t the reason for to begin with. Without me you no longer have the girl you were going to marry and the future we had planned, the laugh you loved to hear or the endless love I gave. Without me you no longer have me. That in itself is worse than what I have without you.

My brother tells me that there is always someone who loves someone more and you need to try and not be that person because you’ll get hurt the worst when it’s over. My chest was empty for so long but now without you I feel my heart beating, I know without me you can no longer take my heart for your own. You told me your soul was black and your heart was cold, but so is mine.

Without you, I’m doing just fine.


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