“Think of it like this, your hearts are like diamonds and every time you love something or someone and they hurt you it chips away at the diamond.” – Mr. Fergus, my middle school art teacher whose words have forever lingered in my head and always will.
Nine months we are in the womb. We are created pure and with diamond hearts. Every time I think I like someone I remind myself of what my teacher told me. Is this person worth chipping a piece of my diamond away if it doesn’t work out? The younger me would’ve said no. There was many people I could’ve loved, many people I could’ve pursued, but I didn’t. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t believe in love or if it was from not knowing how to. Myself now is different. I know how to love, I love deeply and I can’t honestly say it’s a good thing. Maybe because it’s always the little things I love the most, maybe because we are in a little world full of little things both good and evil.
When I was younger, much younger, I know I loved things deeply. I loved church every Sunday, singing all the songs I possible could and always trying to remember the words to amazing grace. I loved my backyard because I’d always pretend that it was a magical place full of fairies or angels. I loved the sound of my babysitter’s voice and laugh, I love the way she thought me to love myself because I am who I am. Of all the good things I loved there was something evil that I loved just as much.
Evil can be anywhere, it can be anything or anyone. In my case it was a someone, someone with a heartbeat although now I think sometimes he couldn’t feel it. It was difficult to love someone only to find out how ugly they are on the inside. A dark pit. But you don’t always know right away. There was smiles and gifts, I was clouded from the evil from people who loved me deeply. It wasn’t really till years later I realized I had been loving a monster.
I think it chipped apart of my diamond because I’ve never fully felt my heart beat the same. It changed me, sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. Part of the monster still lingers in my everyday life, but I guess not all of a monster is bad. The starting of my teen years was when I felt my new heart beat, the one that recovered from the chipped apart ones. I made myself as whole as possible and I was happy. I began to love more things, but things that couldn’t really hurt me. Elephants, a color, art, writing and more. I loved school, my friends and just the everyday things. Until I made a choice.
My older teens years started with him, someone who I believed could be different from everything else, everyone else. In the beginning he was and I think if it hadn’t been me maybe he would’ve stayed. Someone’s first love is almost destine for heartbreak, if you don’t get hurt or mistreated then you’ll never know what you deserve. We both deserved better and different which I believe we’ve both know accomplished. He chipped a piece away and my God it hurt but it was nothing compared to what would come, he was nothing compared to who would do the most chipping.
Sixteen and my heart didn’t beat the same, Sixteen and crying because I found someone who was going to treat me right. Someone who didn’t take my breath away but helped me breathe, someone who didn’t let me have it only my way but tought me middle grounds and someone who knew the grass would only be greener if it was taken care of. Someone completely different but someone who had a diamond as chipped as mine, someone with beautiful eyes but has cried as much as me, someone closed to many but only because they don’t know the language we’ve been written in. Someone like you.
Even though you’ve been my perfectly imperfect there was a time when the grass was just to hard to keep kept. Even though it’s better now, we aren’t the same. I remember the nights I cried, I pleaded and I begged for my heart to stop beating. I remember the days where I only slept so late because my soul was to tired to try. I remember them like a scar, because they are one, they are many. Through all that screaming, crying, heart and soul shattering people would like to think you chipped me the most. Why? Because you wanted to fill your diamond back up? For all you who think that, you’d be wrong. When I would stare at the person chipping my heart away, I’d be looking in the mirror.
The dark blue eyes of mine showed me that I had a dark pit in me. That is when I realized how monsters were created, I didn’t want to be a monster. I can remember all the days I wished were my last but the one I remember the most was the one when I took it all back.
I want my heart to beat, I want my diamond heart to shine as bright as it can. It will shine as bright as someone who is whole hearted. Your diamond may be bigger and less chipped than mine but your diamond hasn’t loved like the deepest sea or flew like the strongest bird. I don’t need to be loved to live, I don’t need a diamond anymore so it’s okay if you take the rest because I know love. I know what raw love feels like and its beating in my chest.
To Mr. Fergus, your words have always been the best words.